Desperately Seeking…Self?

While this won’t necessarily always be a linear story, I want to address how the Badass article further launched my inner curiosities. I had never been a free-thinking, curious child. Growing up, my sister and I were taught that the world operated in one fundamentalist Christian fashion, no questions asked. For most of my life, it never occurred to me to veer from that narrative.

I envied women who questioned authority and challenged norms, even though I was simultaneously perplexed by them. Where did this source of strength come from, to show up and be seen?

From an early age, safety for me was only felt in hiding behind my mother, in her pant leg or skirt. Over the years, the hiding evolved from my mother’s pants leg to the chamelon-esque persona I embodied.  Essentially, I didn’t want to be seen and I didn’t feel safe in the world.

I had spent my late 20’s and 30’s as a dutiful wife and mother while climbing the ladder of traditional success. Beautiful home and family, yet there was also an ongoing emptiness. For many years, I looked the part of societal perfection, but along with my emptiness came the gnawing need for more. Something greater than myself and greater than what I could see with my own eyes. I longed for more, whatever that more was.

The traditional fire and brimstone Christianity I had been raised with no longer filled my soul. I believed God to be a loving God. I wasn’t looking to replace Jesus. Or God. But I was seeking an inner peace and fulfillment that wasn’t being met within the constraints of my religious upbringing.

“Badass” posed existential inquiry, which I had never before attempted.  “Let yourself be seen…deep inside where you feel your breath, that is where you will find yourself.” Some more curiosity triggers from the article:

  • maintain the faith that an energy greater than you has your back
  • fear is the language of the ego that leads you away from where you want to go
  • forget your imperfections
  • what do you need in this moment – let it out, accept yourself & LET OTHERS IN
  • acceptance, forgiveness, letting go
  • every moment is fleeting – do not cling
  • love, care and compassion allow you to operate at an optimal state

Early stages of studying the concepts contained within the article, helped me realize that fear had kept me contracted and closed off from my highest, truest self, my soul. Fear had also disconnected me from others by not allowing them to see my authentic self.

My inner and outer worlds were completely misaligned. No wonder the struggle.was.so.real.  The two selves battled each other every day, which was contributing to my general state of anxiety and discontent.

“Badass” launched me into the study of meditation, mindfulness, gratitude practice, the law of attraction, higher power and energy work. Some kind of next level shizz.  These new-age buzzwords can turn some people off immediately, but it was unexpectedly working for me and I was all in. The article lead to books, websites, more articles and more books. With each inquiry, I recorded my thoughts and feelings and slowly began to put theories into action.

A picture of my inner self was becoming clearer. The practices were making me feel grounded and in closer touch with my higher self, which allowed me to feel safe enough to start to reaching out to others.  I was tightening the Spiritus Link by feeding my hungry soul. I was even beginning to like a little of what I saw on the inside.

That is until the “T word” confronted me. Trauma. I wanted to be living in this happy, higher plane that I had discovered, which at times felt almost euphoric. But Trauma wouldn’t let me stay there too long. Trauma kept pulling at my pants leg.

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