Butterfly Kisses

I can’t remember exactly what chain of events lead me to the book E-Squared by Pam Grout in my early days of self discovery.  Whenever I sat down to read or write, it was a completely organic process. One word or phrase would lead me to another, and before I knew it, my Amazon Prime account was activated yet again.

I credit E-Squared with kicking off my next phase of higher education. The subtitle of E-Squared is “9 Do It Yourself Energy Experiments that Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality.” The theory is that each of us can affect an invisible energy source with our thoughts and actions. Revolutionary. At least to me.

Esqauredbook

The idea behind the book is that in conducting the nine fairly simple experiments the reader would have proof in the existence of this higher energy field and how thoughts and actions effect the results. Pam Grout calls this energy the FP or Field of Potentiality.

Experiment #2: The Volkswagen Jetta Principle: You Impact the Field and Draw from it According to Your Beliefs and Expectations, rocked my world.  At the end of each experiment there is is a “lab report” where the the principle and theory are explained and the reader documents his or her approach, application and result of the theory. Each experiment has a defined time limit to produce the result. For #2, I had 48 hours.

The theory of this experiment is that you impact the field of potentiality and draw from it according to your beliefs and expectations. The question to answer is, “Do I really expect to see what I want to see?” Pam’s direction was to see an unusual color of color of cars (specifically sunset beige) and butterflies. I read through the experiment and documented the time: 12:19 am.

I made notes in the lab report and affirmed that I would see butterflies and sunset beige cars in the next 48 hours. I went to sleep repeating these thoughts in my mind. Not, “I HOPE I will see…” but “I WILL see…” apparently there is a very different energy to those two statements. HOPE insinuates lack or scarcity, while WILL is an affirmation of what already is. In order to draw towards you what you want, it was important to be operating only in this positive space, or vibration.

I fell asleep late and was awoken the next morning by my youngest daughter. She jumped on my bed and laid right on top of me. “Wake up, Mommy! Wake up! I’m going to give you BUTTERFLY KISSES to wake you up!” Butterfly. Kisses.  She said it over and over as her soft eyelashes brushed against my eyes.

I was so blown away by this example of the FP that I actually wrote and shared it with Pam Grout. I was also shocked when she wrote me back and asked if she could share the story in one of her next books.

E-Squared introduced me to a new realm I had been completely unfamiliar with until then. The more experiments I performed, the more the results solidified my belief in this universal energy. Pam’s book lead me to study more about the Law of Attraction and the work of Abraham-Hicks, among others.

As exciting and profound as this new-to-me energy source was, I get a pang of discomfort when I read through my notebooks at the time.  After a couple months of writing, I can see a sense of frustration setting in.  A sense of “I’m not happy enough, vibrating highly enough, just not good enough” to draw to me those things that I thought I wanted. The initial excitement of the experiments had worn off and old anxieties started creeping back into my life.

I didn’t know then what I know now: I needed a softer side of manifesting. I really didn’t want things. I wanted deep healing of the hollow in my heart. Finding 3 dimes on my walk through the neighborhood wasn’t quite going to fulfill that longing. Universal energy, I learned, was an essential piece of the puzzle towards healing, but not the whole enchilada.

Desperately Seeking…Self?

While this won’t necessarily always be a linear story, I want to address how the Badass article further launched my inner curiosities. I had never been a free-thinking, curious child. Growing up, my sister and I were taught that the world operated in one fundamentalist Christian fashion, no questions asked. For most of my life, it never occurred to me to veer from that narrative.

I envied women who questioned authority and challenged norms, even though I was simultaneously perplexed by them. Where did this source of strength come from, to show up and be seen?

From an early age, safety for me was only felt in hiding behind my mother, in her pant leg or skirt. Over the years, the hiding evolved from my mother’s pants leg to the chamelon-esque persona I embodied.  Essentially, I didn’t want to be seen and I didn’t feel safe in the world.

I had spent my late 20’s and 30’s as a dutiful wife and mother while climbing the ladder of traditional success. Beautiful home and family, yet there was also an ongoing emptiness. For many years, I looked the part of societal perfection, but along with my emptiness came the gnawing need for more. Something greater than myself and greater than what I could see with my own eyes. I longed for more, whatever that more was.

The traditional fire and brimstone Christianity I had been raised with no longer filled my soul. I believed God to be a loving God. I wasn’t looking to replace Jesus. Or God. But I was seeking an inner peace and fulfillment that wasn’t being met within the constraints of my religious upbringing.

“Badass” posed existential inquiry, which I had never before attempted.  “Let yourself be seen…deep inside where you feel your breath, that is where you will find yourself.” Some more curiosity triggers from the article:

  • maintain the faith that an energy greater than you has your back
  • fear is the language of the ego that leads you away from where you want to go
  • forget your imperfections
  • what do you need in this moment – let it out, accept yourself & LET OTHERS IN
  • acceptance, forgiveness, letting go
  • every moment is fleeting – do not cling
  • love, care and compassion allow you to operate at an optimal state

Early stages of studying the concepts contained within the article, helped me realize that fear had kept me contracted and closed off from my highest, truest self, my soul. Fear had also disconnected me from others by not allowing them to see my authentic self.

My inner and outer worlds were completely misaligned. No wonder the struggle.was.so.real.  The two selves battled each other every day, which was contributing to my general state of anxiety and discontent.

“Badass” launched me into the study of meditation, mindfulness, gratitude practice, the law of attraction, higher power and energy work. Some kind of next level shizz.  These new-age buzzwords can turn some people off immediately, but it was unexpectedly working for me and I was all in. The article lead to books, websites, more articles and more books. With each inquiry, I recorded my thoughts and feelings and slowly began to put theories into action.

A picture of my inner self was becoming clearer. The practices were making me feel grounded and in closer touch with my higher self, which allowed me to feel safe enough to start to reaching out to others.  I was tightening the Spiritus Link by feeding my hungry soul. I was even beginning to like a little of what I saw on the inside.

That is until the “T word” confronted me. Trauma. I wanted to be living in this happy, higher plane that I had discovered, which at times felt almost euphoric. But Trauma wouldn’t let me stay there too long. Trauma kept pulling at my pants leg.

Top Ten Lists

Five years ago (2013) I came across an article on the wholistic living website, Mind Body Green, that changed my life because it caused me to examine how I looked at the world, the way I lived in the world and how I understood myself. The article took up residence in my psyche and planted a seed that snowballed into years of reading, research and intensive therapy.  Sometimes the message was in the forefront of my brain affecting all of my decisions. At other times, it was deeper and harder to access but it never was far from my consciousness. The truth of that article resonated so deeply within me that I knew my life’s work was somehow centered around the information contained within the 500+- word post. I had no idea how,or what my “life’s work” looked like, only that the content activated within me a need to know and understand more of the topic.

I was drawn to the article because of the title, “10 Ways to Become Your Most Badass Self.” Who couldn’t use more bad-assness in their life?? Immediately I was sucked in, as a good title should do. At the time, I was feeling anything other than badass; more like fearful, anxious, lonely, disconnected, unworthy and borderline depressed.

Just like any “Top 10 Tips to X, Y, Z,” article, the headline conveyed that it had the answer – all the answers. A few tweaks here or there and I’d be “fixed.” Fine-tuned, Bad-ass-Jane, at your service! Super-sized, please! I’m in.

But, alas, the information that followed the headline was much deeper than any 10 step, quick fix program. Damn it. Sold me a bill a goods.

What I wanted:

  1. Wake Up at 7:30 am.
  2. Do 20 sit ups.
  3. Walk a mile.
  4. Make a to-do list.
  5. Less Netflix.
  6. More healthy foods.
  7. Go to bed by 11 pm.
  8. 9. 10. More of the same: clear cut, unambiguous steps.

What I read:

To become our most badass, we must live the most authentic version of ourselves in order to transcend states of anxiety, stress, fear, loneliness or unhappiness. W-T-H. Then more: The balanced center between our inner and outer worlds is found in our Spiritus, which is Latin for spirit, breath, soul, courage, and vigor. When feeling sad, confused, uninspired, tighten the S-Link.  “Tear down the wall that fear built inside you which clogs your passageways to reach The Spiritus.” Spiritus, then, is the truest expression of who we are.

Balanced center of inner and outer worlds. Balanced center of inner and outer worlds. The phrase repeated over and over in my brain. What does that mean? What does that look like for me? Where are my easy and actionable 10 steps!? Instead, this seemingly rag-mag style headline asked me to:

  1. Figure out who I am.
  2. Go slow and steady.
  3. Trust my path.
  4. Be fearless.
  5. Tell my truth.
  6. Move and sweat (finally, a step I understood!)
  7. Look with love.
  8. Practice patience.
  9. Remain in the moment.
  10. Practice gratitude.

Item number one threw me. The writer suggested I “peel back the layers and let yourself be seen…Behind the body, behind the spiral of your overactive mind, deep inside where you feel your breath, that is where you will find yourself.”

I realized for the first time, I truly had no idea what an authentic version of myself looked or felt like. I had lived as a chameleon, changing myself to match whatever was presented to me externally.  For 40+ years, I allowed the outside world to dictate who I was and how I felt about myself. Faced with this reality, it was no wonder I felt like I was spinning out of control, drowning, and miserable.

These daunting 10 steps were not what I was looking for when I pulled up the article, they were, however, exactly what I needed.

This is my story of a deep, deep dive into the truth of my life story; excavating all the way down to my most authentic self and finding worthiness. Finding a woman who has value in all her cracks and flaws. Finding a woman who loves to love and loves to laugh. Finding a woman who forgives. And finally finding FREEDOM through the balanced center of my inner and outer worlds.

*******

Inside the cover of my first major writing notebook – 9/23/13. Drawing and doodling concepts I read helped me process the information.

dipictionofspiritus

First page of notes – 9/28/13. Top line references the article referred to in post above.

first spiritus link notes